No words, just tears

I have been completely hoodwinked. Lied to. Deceived. Made a mug of. Call it what you want, it’s all the same. 

I gave my all and trusted him with everything. I feel stupid, grotesque, sad, devastated and my heart is broken. I feel daft writing that but it’s true. I feel like it’s been ripped out, my insides are empty. I feel so sad. I’ve hardly eaten and can’t sleep. I’ve run out of tears. 

I wish I could lose the images that are in my head. It’s like when I got told I had cancer all over again. Big, flashing, illuminated letters on the insides of my eyelids just in case I forgot I had it!! 

I won’t ever forget this. I won’t ever forget how he’s made me feel. The 12 months+ of lies. There’s a saying – once bitten, twice shy or in my case – once bitten, twice is damn stupid!! 

Oh well eh. They say you learn from your mistakes. 

Xx

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**SWEARY RANT**

I’m really fucking pissed off. I’m trying my hardest to get Daisy the help she needs and we are currently seeing someone at CAMHS. There is a rough 6 month waiting list before you get to see anyone. 

The people in the know are telling me Daisy has autistic ‘traits’ and I know, deep down that this is probably the case. The meltdowns she has and the things that kick them off are not ‘normal’. While no parent wants their child ‘diagnosed’ or ‘labelled’, it will benefit her in the long run, especially where her schooling is concerned. 

Now this is why I’m so pissed off. 

Trying to get other ‘people’ (her Dad) to understand is another bloody struggle. He has just told me he can’t make tomorrow’s appointment. He has known about it for 4 weeks. I get the earliest time (9-10am) so that it doesn’t take too much time out of his working day. It’s the same old excuse as the last appointment, which he also cancelled the night before – too busy!! The reason he has 4 weeks notice is so that he doesn’t book work in. It’s not rocket science is it?!!!! 
The mans a fucking waste of space. And I just told him exactly that. 

Why does he not take it seriously? He’s just not interested. I ask for help and he says no. I’ve nicknamed him ‘bare miniman’ because he does the bare minimum. 

Life is so fucking unfair. I struggle day to day with tiredness, aching joints and the mind boggling, fucked up fact that I have incurable cancer and will die sooner rather than later. Yet I still muster the strength to be a good mum, put my children first every time, run the house and deal with Daisy. 

People call me inspirational but it’s bullshit isn’t it. Because I don’t actually have a choice in the matter. I have to get on with everything that is thrown at me. On my own. It’s a constant uphill battle. 

I’ll tell you what is inspirational…the fact that I’m still sane and haven’t hired a hitman. Yet!! 

**RANT OVER**

Xx

DILLIGAF!

Something happens not long after you get a cancer diagnosis. Not only does your life change drastically, so does your attitude. You get this kind of ‘I’m invincible’ (?!?! If only!!) air about you. You don’t take no shit from anyone. You live in a bubble made of denial. You no longer sweat the small stuff. And you truly don’t give a rats arse about anything much (children not included). All that matters is that you’re happy. And I am. 

I’ve always been a bit ‘attitudey’. A tough cookie (but soft on the inside – shhhh don’t tell anyone!). Its helped get me through my fair share of crap over the years. But it was being told I have secondary breast cancer that really tipped me over the edge of the ‘give a fuck’ cliff. 


Maybe it’s a coping mechanism. Or maybe it’s because, actually, deep down, I really do give a fuck. 

Xx