Yawn 😴

At the beginning of September, I started to feel a lot more tired than usual. The summer holidays had just finished and we were getting back into the ‘back to school’ routine. As the weeks went on though, I didn’t feel any better. I felt worse. I was struggling to do anything much and had no energy for the gym – and I love the gym!! 

After crying on my bcn (breast care nurse) she told me that I was suffering with fatigue. ‘Suffering’ sounds way more dramatic than it really is but fatigue isn’t to be sniffed at. It’s not something that goes after a good nights sleep and I should know – I’m getting between 8/9 hours per night! It leaves you feeling exhausted most of the time, the simple everyday things can become difficult and it can affect you physically, mentally and emotionally. 

I went to see my GP after a particularly tough morning last week for me and Daisy. She referred me to the holistic team who turned up the next day. They were lovely and described me as running on a 40% battery that drains quickly but never fully recharges. But, they were unsure as to how they could help and admitted they only usually help elderly people. 

I spoke to my bcn today and she pointed out that I have been through some huge life events in the past two years. I think it’s all just caught up with me. 

I’m not feeling quite as low as I was though and have been pushing myself to go to the gym. It’s not giving me the usual euphoric feeling but at least I’m going. It’s also half term. Our day out yesterday has completely wiped me out but the kids had a fab time and that’s what matters. 

Life goes on, exhausted or not. 

Today I had scan results. Overall they were really good. My spine/spinal chord is clear. My leg pain isn’t cause by any compression anywhere so an MRI is needed to see what’s going on in there. Something showed up in the lining of my brain and although my onc (oncologist) stressed that she’s not worried, I am having to be re-scanned in 6 weeks so they can compare scans. I’ve also somehow manage to fracture both a rib and my foot/ankle. No idea about the rib and certainly haven’t been in any pain with it. My foot happened in July whilst at Butlins with Daisy. Two trips to A&E, an X-ray, a pair of crutches and two different doctors telling me it was soft tissue damage. I knew otherwise but then I’m quite clever like that! 

So, a sense of relief all round, although I think I’m getting a bit ‘hard’ when it comes to results. I’ve been through this so many times that I’m becoming immune to any form of feeling. It’s just another day and another part of my life as it is now. My new normal. 

It is what it is and no amount of worry will change it. 

Xx

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Frazzled!

Today everything came to a head. 

For the past 3/4 weeks I have been getting more and more tired. At first I thought it was the whole ‘back to school’ routine – getting up an hour and a half earlier, dressed and out the door by 8.25 and sometimes dealing with one of Daisy’s meltdowns. 

But, we’re 4 weeks in now and rather than things getting easier, they’re getting harder. I’ve completely run out of energy. I would describe myself as a clockwork mouse who is almost at the end of it’s wind! I’m struggling to do simple things like standing for a length of time to cook or wash up, I’m in bed by 7.30 and I have no motivation for the gym (which I love second to baking!). 

I’ve had to have some extra scans – last week I had to have a radioisotope scan -(http://patient.info/health/radionuclide-isotope-scan) of my whole skeleton and today I had to have an MRI scan of my brain and spine, with contrast –http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/MRI-scan/Pages/How-is-it-performed.aspx. Now I can’t say I’m really worried about the results of these. I think I’ve become immune tbh and what will be, will be. That said, it does all takes it toll. The driving to and from, the waiting around, the numerous needles, there’s only so much a girl can take!! 

Today, for the first time, I got upset in the scanner. I knew that I needed to speak to someone so I went and found my breast care nurse. I cried big, ploppy tears. Mostly because I felt stupid for whinging and crying over a little bit of tiredness. But it’s not just a little bit, and it’s not something a good nights sleep will help. I’m suffering (over dramatic!) with fatigue https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatigue_(medical)

There’s no magic cure but I do need to rest. Everything. Not so much my body but my brain. My bcn suggested getting to the gym, even if for only half hour because exercise helps, and I know she’s right. I always leave the gym feeling much better than when I arrived – I burn off the bad vibes and those lovely endorphins flood my brain with good ones. 

So, for the next few days, I’m just going to take it easy. My mum has offered to have Daisy overnight Saturday for me which means I really can take some time for myself this weekend. 

It’s not nice feeling as low as I do but I think it was to be expected. I just, quite simply, ran out of steam. I know I’m dealing with a lot, and mostly alone where my thoughts are concerned. Daisy keeps asking me if I’m ok because, according to her, I look sad. I think my mask has well and truly slipped but panic ye not – normal service will resume shortly. 

Much love xx