Today everything came to a head.
For the past 3/4 weeks I have been getting more and more tired. At first I thought it was the whole ‘back to school’ routine – getting up an hour and a half earlier, dressed and out the door by 8.25 and sometimes dealing with one of Daisy’s meltdowns.
But, we’re 4 weeks in now and rather than things getting easier, they’re getting harder. I’ve completely run out of energy. I would describe myself as a clockwork mouse who is almost at the end of it’s wind! I’m struggling to do simple things like standing for a length of time to cook or wash up, I’m in bed by 7.30 and I have no motivation for the gym (which I love second to baking!).
I’ve had to have some extra scans – last week I had to have a radioisotope scan -(http://patient.info/health/radionuclide-isotope-scan) of my whole skeleton and today I had to have an MRI scan of my brain and spine, with contrast –http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/MRI-scan/Pages/How-is-it-performed.aspx. Now I can’t say I’m really worried about the results of these. I think I’ve become immune tbh and what will be, will be. That said, it does all takes it toll. The driving to and from, the waiting around, the numerous needles, there’s only so much a girl can take!!
Today, for the first time, I got upset in the scanner. I knew that I needed to speak to someone so I went and found my breast care nurse. I cried big, ploppy tears. Mostly because I felt stupid for whinging and crying over a little bit of tiredness. But it’s not just a little bit, and it’s not something a good nights sleep will help. I’m suffering (over dramatic!) with fatigue https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatigue_(medical).
There’s no magic cure but I do need to rest. Everything. Not so much my body but my brain. My bcn suggested getting to the gym, even if for only half hour because exercise helps, and I know she’s right. I always leave the gym feeling much better than when I arrived – I burn off the bad vibes and those lovely endorphins flood my brain with good ones.
So, for the next few days, I’m just going to take it easy. My mum has offered to have Daisy overnight Saturday for me which means I really can take some time for myself this weekend.
It’s not nice feeling as low as I do but I think it was to be expected. I just, quite simply, ran out of steam. I know I’m dealing with a lot, and mostly alone where my thoughts are concerned. Daisy keeps asking me if I’m ok because, according to her, I look sad. I think my mask has well and truly slipped but panic ye not – normal service will resume shortly.
Much love xx