On Friday I went awol. Absent without leave. Away. Not here. On strike. I was out of order.
I packed Daisy off to her dad’s as normal. No one suspected a thing. I spent all evening washing and drying her school uniform, packed her school bags and filled her lunch bag. I made sure everything was sorted before I left. I wrote an explanatory text to send the ex – I wanted him to know why I was doing this and that it wasn’t a decision I’d come to lightly.
We’d had a really tough week. Daisy had a meltdown every morning and a couple after school too. I was exhausted by 9am everyday.
I didn’t want to go to bed because I dreaded waking up.
I’ve asked the ex for help before. When I was struggling with fatigue and had broke down on my bcn. He said no because he was having her for the weekend 3 weeks later. That’d have to do, he said.
So this time I didn’t ask. I just took. I needed a break longer than the normal 24hrs. I went to a friends and I slept, watched tv, read and slept some more. I only got out of bed to make a cup of tea or get some food.
Apparently I was ‘f**king out of order’. Probably, yes. But I like to think that I was necessarily out of order. I felt guilty for leaving, like I’d neglected them.
But I needed to do it. For me. Selfishly.
I’ve just been to the L&D for a routine echocardiogram- an ultrasound scan of my heart ❤️. I usually dread these appointments because there is one doctor…..I won’t say anymore but I thanked the lord it wasn’t him!!
For the first time, in like, EVER I had a dishy, young doctor. And boy did I make it obvious!! I was trying so hard not to swoon that I completely missed his name, it could have be Juan, or maybe John. Oh well, names are not important are they?!
Firstly I tittered when he asked me to take my top things off and lay on the bed (I wasn’t thinking wow what a thing to be asked 🤔) (I’ve obviously been single far too long!) Secondly, I accidentally exposed a nipple rolling over onto my side. Thirdly, I was getting very, very hot. I mean, obviously because I was laying next to a radiator. Not because I was blushing wildly. Fourthly (yes that is a word!!) I got tangled up in the hand held scanner thingymajig and managed to swipe the gel clean off it and all over my hand. I mean come on, give a girl a break!!
I managed to mutter that I’m not normally this clumsy although I’m not sure he believed me.
I was quite upset when he told me we were finished but I hid my tears well. Shame I didn’t hear the directions he gave me for the exit. I looked a right muppet walking into the linen cupboard!!!
I’m feeling a little bit meh. Sad. Thoughtful. Tired. Lost. Lonely. Struggling. I don’t know why. Or do I? I get these moments occasionally.
Christmas time is always a little emotional. Well, it has been since I got poorly. You can’t help but wonder, in the back of your mind, whether this will be your last one. So I treat it as though it is – I spoil the kids rotten but I guess I’m making up for the time I won’t be here to do it.
New Year is the same. Thank fuck I made another one. Lots of my friends didn’t.
It’s weird because I’m not sure I can write what’s actually in my head as I don’t think it’d make any sense. I wonder a lot. I think too much. I’m disappointed. It’s that piece of string that you just don’t know the length of. It’s the uncertainty. It’s shit.
That’s exactly why I shouldn’t think. I can’t change it. I just have to make the best of it and live. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it and I’m proud of myself. I find it very difficult to open up – to talk when I’m finding it tough. I’ve been let down so many times that it’s easier to just shut down. I would love to be loved though. To have someone fight my corner sometimes. To hold me when things get me down. To just be there.
I’m also thankful – for my luck, my strength, my children and for those who support me. I’d definitely be lost without you all.
Much love xx