I don’t know why  

I’m feeling a little bit meh. Sad. Thoughtful. Tired. Lost. Lonely. Struggling.  I don’t know why. Or do I? I get these moments occasionally. 

Christmas time is always a little emotional. Well, it has been since I got poorly. You can’t help but wonder, in the back of your mind, whether this will be your last one. So I treat it as though it is – I spoil the kids rotten but I guess I’m making up for the time I won’t be here to do it. 

New Year is the same. Thank fuck I made another one. Lots of my friends didn’t. 

It’s weird because I’m not sure I can write what’s actually in my head as I don’t think it’d make any sense. I wonder a lot. I think too much. I’m disappointed. It’s that piece of string that you just don’t know the length of. It’s the uncertainty. It’s shit. 

That’s exactly why I shouldn’t think. I can’t change it. I just have to make the best of it and live. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of it and I’m proud of myself. I find it very difficult to open up – to talk when I’m finding it tough. I’ve been let down so many times that it’s easier to just shut down. I would love to be loved though. To have someone fight my corner sometimes. To hold me when things get me down. To just be there.  

I’m also thankful – for my luck, my strength, my children and for those who support me. I’d definitely be lost without you all.

Much love xx


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