Do you remember all the things you dreamt you’d be, and do, when you were a child?
I always wanted to be a mum but I also wanted to be a police woman or an air stewardess. I also toyed with the idea of becoming a Wren in the Navy – I was a sea cadet for a while and I loved it!! I’m not sure why I didn’t follow any of those paths. I guess you just change as you grow up, you meet boys and start to party.
I think I must’ve been a bit of a dreamer. I used to imagine owning a farm with cows and horses, piglets and ducks. I’d spend hours designing my wedding dress and imagine meeting my prince, getting married and living happily ever.
I think I prefer the naivety and dreams. I still wish I lived in a film – there’s always a happy ending.
Life is not full of happy ever afters. Life is nothing but a struggle, and not at all how I imagined.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a positive person and like to try and make the best of things but sometimes it all just gets a little too much. A good friend of mine described it beautifully yesterday – he said ‘I promise we’re not all having a great time while the lord almighty empties his bladder on you’. Sometimes that’s just what it feels like. I mean how much shit (or piss!) does one person have to cope with?! I seem to have fallen out with family members, I have 2 failed relationships – 1 of those my marriage and I have one of the worst illnesses you can ever be diagnosed with.
To quote another friend, ‘I wonder if anyone, anywhere, is happy? I’ve come to the conclusion life is bad and we have to make it better’. I think he’s right. You have to have those dreams and keep them safe because that’s what gets you through the dark times.
I feel quite guilty about my illness. Guilty because people don’t know how to react. Guilty because people have left and continue to leave me. Guilty that it’s tainting my children’s childhood. Guilty because I might not be here to protect or help them when they need me the most.
If I could wish for just one thing it’d be that my children don’t have to struggle through life the way I have. I want them to find and keep their happy ever afters.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this but don’t stop chasing your dreams. If you want it, do your damnedest to get it. Don’t settle for anything less. Lifes a bitch so make it fun.