3 bloomin’ years 

So today is my 3rd cancerversary. When I was first diagnosed I couldn’t even see this far ahead. The first thought that goes through your head is ‘I’m going to die’. Some might say that’s a little dramatic, but it’s true. You’re suddenly faced with the mammoth task of staying alive, living. 

The enormity of the task in hand has recently surfaced and it’s both angered and scared me in equal measures. 

I’m angry because it’s unfair – why me? I’m angry because its unfair for my children. I’m angry because no one will do as good a job as me. I’m angry because I want to be here to see them grow up and I’m angry because I want to be the one they run to when they need something. 

I’m scared too. Scared because I don’t want to get ill again. Scared because I don’t want to be weak. Scared because I can’t help but think of how the children will cope. Scared that they won’t cope. Scared that they’ll forget everything we’ve done. Scared that they’ll forget me. 

These emotions, thoughts, feelings, have been going around and around in my head for 3 years. It’s exhausting. And frustratingly, there seems no end to it, it’s like a vicious circle. I’m not sure I can even put it into words – it’s all just a big jumble of ‘things’. Things I want to plan. It’s a difficult conversation but I want to plan for the inevitable, taking some comfort in knowing what will happen when ‘it’ happens. I want to be organised. I need people on board and that’s proving the most difficult! 

I know where to start but I don’t if that makes sense. Maybe it’s an avoidance thing? Who knows?! But, as always I will deal with it, shove it back in its box and carry on regardless. 

Sad, angry, scared, frustrated, alone. 

Strong, determined, brave, hopeful, thankful. 

Xx

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8 thoughts on “3 bloomin’ years ”

  1. You are one of the most amazing, strong and determined people I know.
    I, like your legion of friends, will walk alongside you all of this journey.
    Take that cancer, you didn’t know who you’re messing with!
    Love you Em xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Keep fighting Em you are amazing. A fantastic role model to your kids you are teaching them every day to dig deep and do your best and that itself is an amazing lesson to teach them. Everyone is walking along side you every day on your journey. Be proud Emma.
    You are beautiful courageous brave and just God damn fantastic.
    Massive hugs to you and your gorgeous kids xx xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Emma your amazing , and it’s only normal to have all those thoughts under the circumstances
    Your children will never forget you because of all the love and time you give them
    You just keep doing what your doing and you will be writing your blog for many years to come xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Never alone, there are lots of us who will always be there with and for you and your family, and your children will never forget you – we won’t allow it.
    We don’t know what the future will bring, but you and I will hit it head on and damn the rest 😉 xx

    Liked by 1 person

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