So today is my 3rd cancerversary. When I was first diagnosed I couldn’t even see this far ahead. The first thought that goes through your head is ‘I’m going to die’. Some might say that’s a little dramatic, but it’s true. You’re suddenly faced with the mammoth task of staying alive, living.
The enormity of the task in hand has recently surfaced and it’s both angered and scared me in equal measures.
I’m angry because it’s unfair – why me? I’m angry because its unfair for my children. I’m angry because no one will do as good a job as me. I’m angry because I want to be here to see them grow up and I’m angry because I want to be the one they run to when they need something.
I’m scared too. Scared because I don’t want to get ill again. Scared because I don’t want to be weak. Scared because I can’t help but think of how the children will cope. Scared that they won’t cope. Scared that they’ll forget everything we’ve done. Scared that they’ll forget me.
These emotions, thoughts, feelings, have been going around and around in my head for 3 years. It’s exhausting. And frustratingly, there seems no end to it, it’s like a vicious circle. I’m not sure I can even put it into words – it’s all just a big jumble of ‘things’. Things I want to plan. It’s a difficult conversation but I want to plan for the inevitable, taking some comfort in knowing what will happen when ‘it’ happens. I want to be organised. I need people on board and that’s proving the most difficult!
I know where to start but I don’t if that makes sense. Maybe it’s an avoidance thing? Who knows?! But, as always I will deal with it, shove it back in its box and carry on regardless.
Sad, angry, scared, frustrated, alone.
Strong, determined, brave, hopeful, thankful.