Tonight I had a warm mince pie with cream for my tea. I washed it down with a Baileys. Why? Because I can!!
Tomorrow is results day. It’s been a long time coming and the past 2.5 weeks has felt like months. It’s so hard to stay focused on anything and although I’m getting quite good at shoving the worry back in its box, it creeps out when you least expect it.
Today I’ve been mostly a little wired. A little hyperactive. I’m not sure if I don’t give any shits or if I’m shitting myself. I think it’s the latter. My positive side of my brain is carefree and telling me that it is what is is – I can’t change it so there’s little point in worrying. The not so positive part of my brain is expecting the worst – I always do as I think it won’t be such a shock if it was bad news.
Bad news being that I’ve had progression.
I’m almost 4 years along this bumpy road. Bumpy doesn’t really cut it – imagine a road made of rocks, with huge potholes and sheep and arseholes who don’t bother to indicate. That’s what I mean by bumpy!!
You’re all aware that I’ve never asked for my prognosis but I’m well aware that 4 years is pretty darn good – statistically talking. Is my ice starting to wear thin? Who knows.
Lovely friends tell me that I look so well and whilst I appreciate that, I know only too well that how you look isn’t a reflection of what’s going on inside. I’ve recently had 2 friends from my cancer group receive bad news. They were roughly (our cancers are slightly different) the same position in the road as me and looked and felt perfectly well. I’d be lying if I said that their news hadn’t given me the jitters.
I’m not sure if the fact it’s almost Christmas is a blessing or not. It’s kept me busy and given me something to concentrate on which is good. Its also a very emotional time of year for me. Each one is a blessing – more so because I wasn’t expected to see Christmas ’14.
It’s going to go one of two ways tomorrow but no matter what, Christmas is Christmas and we’re going to have a fab one!!