What was..

Today hasn’t been a good day. In fact this weekend has been hard. My energy levels are low. My mood is low. This happens every so often, it’s one of the waves I’ve spoken about before. I just have to ride it.

I’m very tearful and can burst into tears for no apparent reason. Although, deep down, I’m sure there’s many a reason. I was talking to a friend from my cancer group, telling her how I felt and she told me that we’re dealing with a cosmos of shit and we’re allowed weepy, low days. She’s right – we don’t need a reason.

Trouble is, these waves throw everything at me. I think about my past – about the life I had. I was settled, had plans for the future, was on a nice, steady journey. I had two families, lots of friends.

I made the mistake of looking at my wedding photos this afternoon. I don’t recognise myself. The pictures are full of strangers. And sadly, three of my loved ones in those photos are no longer here.

Four years ago. That’s all. My world was completely flipped and now I’m completely different to the person I was pre cancer. I became stronger, less likely to put up with bullshit. It’s me versus the world. Sometimes it gets very lonely.

I feel like I’m grieving for the life I once had. The plans I had made. The baby I wanted. Cancer snatches so much away from you.

I now live my life in six monthly chapters. I don’t like to make plans outside of that time just in case it’s tempting fate.

I can’t always put how I’m feeling into words. I just feel sad.

I was so poorly and given a 6 month prognosis but in just a few weeks I’ll be celebrating my fourth cancerversary. Amazing I know but also a bit of a mind fuck – am I now skating on thin ice? Has my proverbial piece of string got shorter? How many more good scan results will I get?

It’s so hard and I’m so tired of it all.

Xx

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4 thoughts on “What was..”

  1. Love you so very, very much Em.
    This life path is not what you expected or even chose, but your strength in the face of adversity, upset, betrayal and uncertainty shows your unbridled passion for life.
    You’ve dusted yourself off (more than once) and you continue to hold your head high and walk forward.
    Down days are absolutely allowed, and the occasional look back at the past shows you just how far you have come.
    You are fabulous and so loved by so many people.
    I am very, very proud of you and proud to call you my friend. Xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I send you the biggest of hugs. Times like this are natural butbthat doesn’t make it any easier. I completely ‘get’ your feelings about skating on ice. I am in my 8th year of SBC and whilst happy to be giving the statistics a run I do find myself wondering how long it can go on. The uncertainty itself is exhausting isn’t it.
    You are doing well. allow yourself the wobbly days. Enjoy the good days and just keep being you xx

    Liked by 1 person

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