Yesterday I hit rock bottom. I knew I was struggling but I didn’t realise quite how much.
I’m scared. For the first time in 4.5 years of living with secondary breast cancer, I’m scared.
For so long I’ve been able to live obliviously, ignore the reality, carry on regardless but yesterday, after losing yet another friend to the disease and hearing another has had progression, it really hit home.
This shit is real.
Yesterday I cried. My thoughts were jumbled – did I feel poorly or was it just the anxiety and stress? Was that niggle there yesterday? Is my time coming to an end? What if? What if? Everything came at me full force and smacked me in the face.
I did something I find hard to do and that was tell people. I actually told people I’m not ok. I messaged my two best friends, I messaged two of my girls from YBCN and I rang the hospice to see if my counsellor was free.
The homecare team at St Francis must’ve wondered what the hell was wrong with me – I was sobbing down the phone! I felt stupid but they understood and gave me an appointment for this morning.
That was my turning point.
I didn’t see my usual counsellor today but the lady I did see was lovely. She listened to what I told her and made all those irrational thoughts and worries easier to deal with.
I’d already taken some steps to helping myself – I’ve taken a step back from YBCN. At first I felt bad but I can’t be dealing with anything ‘cancer’ atm and I’m not sure I’d be much help to anyone right now. I’ve also made an effort to not beat myself up about having these low days. I’m always busy and that’s how I like it but I need to be kinder to myself too.
All in all, I’m feeling much better than I did yesterday. I’m going to be gentle on myself this weekend and start a fresh new week Monday. I’m hoping to get back to the gym too as it really does help my mental health. I miss not going and that’s probably why I’m more achey than usual.
I’ve learnt that it’s ok to be scared. I’m only human.