I never know whether to blog when I’m struggling. I don’t want to come across as a miserable cow but at the same time, it’s important to keep it realistic. Not only am I living with my cancer and all the medicines I have to take to keep me alive, I’m also living with all the crap normal life throws at you.
Every so often I struggle. We call them waves of emotion and you generally have to learn to ride them. They pass. Usually.
This dip I’m having has lasted a while. Pretty much since I got out of hospital if I’m honest. I’ve been trying to ignore it but it’s a bit of a whopper.
I just can’t find my spark. I’m fighting the urge to just hide away at home everyday. I have no desire to do anything – even walking the dog is annoying me! I don’t particularly want to see anyone. The things I am doing, I’m literally forcing myself to do.
The new meds aren’t helping. I’ve been weaning off the steroids for the past four weeks. I’ve put weight on and got the typical steroid ‘moon’ face – it doesn’t do a great deal for your confidence.
I haven’t been sleeping very well. Either wide awake in the early hours or disturbed sleep due to aches and pain.
The painkillers I’m on can affect your mood too so I’m kinda up against it. I hate taking all these pills.
Then there’s normal life.
My Daughter has autistic traits and although we haven’t had a formal diagnosis yet, we are on the waiting list to see someone. It’ll take 2 years before we’re seen! Until then, I’m left to deal with everything alone. Her meltdowns have ramped up since going back to school in September and quite frankly, I dread the mornings. Sometimes you just have to look at her wrong. Most of the time it’s her hair that sets her off. It has to be perfect. Flat. Exactly the same both sides. Not greasy. Not bumpy. I can stand and do her hair 5-6 times in a morning trying to get it just so. This morning it was her hair, her school skirt and her shirt! When she’s in a meltdown, she smacks herself in the face/head, scratches her self, hits walls, screams and shouts that she wants to die and that she’s going to kill herself. It’s really not fun. It’s exhausting. And all before 8.15am.
It takes a good 6 hours for her to ‘come down’. That’s the whole school day. It takes me just as long.
It also effects my other Daughter. She said it’s like walking on egg shells in the mornings. Not a nice atmosphere at all.
There’s little respite. Sometimes she goes to her Dads but, I can still find myself dealing with her from afar.
I just wonder sometimes what I’ve done. Why I can’t get people to understand that I’m tired. That I need help, support. That I take an awful lot of meds just to stay alive and that they come with their own list of side effects.
I like to think I’m a pretty tough cookie but actually I have my limits.
I’m just tired of trying to get up this hill alone.